It's going so hard

I thought this semester will so fine to me but it's seems so hard.
Almost 2 years i have being alone. No one knows. No ones can understand what i felt and what i have been through. Once, i have try to forgive you but it's fake! Sincerely, i couldn't forgive you after what have you done to me. It's not means but it's hurt. Now, everything is changed. Now you are alone and so do I. Now it's totally upside down, am happy but I can still hear the sadness and I still wipe out the tears. And now u feel what i felt 2 years ago. So, its seems i am happy but i am not! Why? Why i can't forgive you and accept who you are right now! And why now! Why now you are showing your suffering but not two years ago? And why now you are showing the love and cares to me? Why not two years back?
Am i so means? 


p/s : Allah please guide me and forgive me. Lembutkanla hati hamba-Mu ini untuk memaafkan sahabatnya.